Dear someone in my place,

Dear someone in my place,

You feel like you’re struggling to keep it together. You are happy, motivated, and on top of the world one moment and the next moment with the same ferocity your arms and your heart burn with an ache only more pain and self harm can alleviate. It’s purely illogical and maddening, but that’s where you are right now. That’s how you feel right now- Off the rails and dying more and more each second. You’re prolonging the inevitable, you think. But some little voice in the back wants to speak up. Some small voice wants to shout to the heavens and shake you until you “snap out of this”! But it can’t, and you won’t, and that’s almost worse but not quite. While these feelings seem to come and go unexpectedly, the truth is they are here to stay. They are part of your journey, your struggle, and you. And you need to learn how to live and learn more from them.

Just as you talk and get to know yourself, I need you to listen to and get to know these feelings, these burning, red, hot, seemingly illogical, and extremely volatile feelings because they aren’t going anywhere anytime soon. Give into these feelings and sensations that want to overpower. Start small and start smart. Give up control for a set amount of time, let the emotions flood you, notice and identify each and every one of them, but do not let them overpower you. Listen, understand, and register what it all means and where you are at the moment, then turn them off and celebrate that you listened and didn’t act. You took control without undermining your feelings, and, in doing so, they no longer control you.

You can feel the agony and pain of a thousand souls, and that won’t break you because you are more than your suffering. You are a beautiful collision of imperfections, tragedies, creativity, and hope. You are more than the world is prepared to understand at the moment, and, above all else, remember that for all your seeming complications, contradictions, and confusions, you are one perfect collision of everything. You are you, and all your feelings are you regardless of how frustrating and depressing they may be. Every part of you deserves to be heard. Do not silence some beautiful part of yourself no matter how difficult and rebellious that part of you might be, your suicidal ideation/self-harm tendencies/depression/PTSD/anxiety/fear/mental illness is a part of you.

Take care and love all of yourself because you deserve nothing less.

❤ life as an agoraphobe

Short update as of 07/06

Hello world/my fellow readers/anyone who stumbles across this post,

I haven’t posted in some time, and, for the most part, it’s because I’ve been busy working, doing impulsive fun activities (skydiving happened and pictures will eventually be up I promise), dating (ugh the agony sometimes lol), enjoying turning my body into a lethal weapon (thank you krav maga!!!), and being lazy the other times. In short, life is good. I have almost no complaints aside from the usual frustrations and disappointments with problematic systems in place. However that doesn’t mean my symptoms subside. I am still an agoraphobe who fights their fear of the outside world on a daily basis, a PTSD patient who fears the next moment I might freeze and lose control over my life, and a depression patient who continues to have subtle but powerful suicidal ideation and urges to cut. It’s a struggle I live with, and might always have, and that’s okay. I am not broken. I am not meant to be fixed, and I can and will survive and enjoy whatever life I make for myself. I am me, and that’s enough.

Hope to have some more for y’all to read later this week,

❤ life as an agoraphobe

Accommodations for mental illness(es) in the work place

Lately, I’ve come to the realization that I’ve been going out of my way to make my job work and am not always looking out for my best interest. In many ways, I’ve settled with sticking it safe and staying in the same company and ignored the many struggles and problems with my job. Therefore, following my impulsive self assertive ways, I gave my two weeks notice and am in the process of looking for a new job. Regardless now, I asked myself a question, “am I being my best advocate or are there accommodations and steps of self-assertion that I should be taking?”So with the help of my psychologist, I endeavored into research into ADA accommodations to see what rights people with mental illnesses have in the work place. I’ve stumbled upon a few good finds and am still piecing things together. Now, I’m sharing a few of the links that I found helpful in the hopes that others might find it useful.

http://askjan.org/media/Psychiatric.html

http://www.adaa.org/managing-stress-anxiety-in-workplace/anxiety-disorders-in-workplace

https://www.eeoc.gov/eeoc/publications/ada_mental_health_provider.cfm

http://www.healthcentral.com/anxiety/support-283147-5.html

 

Toodles my lovelies!!!!

<3lifeasanagoraphobe

 

 

 

Every bit counts, my battle with self-harm

Today or I suppose yesterday I did something very deliberate that many might see as foolish, reckless, and irresponsible, but I stand by actions. I got a tattoo on my forearms (technically two tattoos connected as one) to help me during my long-winded battle with self-harm. I recognize it is not a solution or cure that will make my urges to self-harm go away, but I hope it works as a deterrent and helps remind me to self-love.

First off, the tattoo itself reads: “Be patient. Be kind.” on the left arm and “There is no deadline” on the right arm to honor my personal mantra of self-love and self-acceptance. I am an imperfect, selfish, and reckless being. I have my many flaws and struggles, and I also have my strengths and boundless potential. Therefore, the best thing I can do for myself is to learn to be patient and kind to myself and not break myself down or allow others too. I need to remember to treat myself with love and encouragement as I would Lucero or Delia, my niece. I am a consistent work in progress that will never be done and never be perfect or totally recovered, and that’s okay.  There’s no rush, no deadline to speed towards, no lines to cross or milestones to pass in this journey of life. I have no road map. It’s just me, and that’s beautiful, terrifying, and empowering. I chose to believe and act in the now while also recognizing that in ways my mind and my body are still processing things from the past, and that’s okay too. So, the tattoo itself has a lot of meaning for me (not saying that all tattoos have to have meaning people can do whatever they’d like). Note that punctuation-wise I chose not to use a period at the end of deadline to further the message.

Second off, it wasn’t impulsive but rather thought out and planned at least a few weeks. I had the impulsive inspiration to do it once after cutting because I recognized how worn out and tired yet beautiful the arm looked. It reminded me of a wilting flower that isn’t quite ready to die so it leans towards the sunlight. In the same manner, I felt guilty for mistreating my body once more and not allowing its true beauty to shine through on its own. Somehow I conjoined the idea of tattoos especially written words as a form of self empowerment. As a writer, written word is my form of processing and understanding myself, the world, and those around me. Once I have something written down, I feel, process, analyze, act, and reprocess. Beaming with the idea, I set out to imagine what was needed to make it a reality:an idea, a tattoo artist, conviction, and time for my scars to heal some more. Every time I wanted to self-harm which were a handful of times, I reminded myself that I was on a mission and that self-harm no matter how alluring was not an option. Almost 5 weeks later, here I am tatted up.

Third off, self-harm is serious and extremely difficult to go up against! I can’t tell you how often my mental health professionals, loved ones, and even me brush off my self-harm behavior. In some part of my subconscious, I know that this is not okay and “wrong”, but it’s not a simple question of will power or even medication (my meds help with suicidal ideation, depression, and panic attacks, but it does jack for my self-harm urges). My self-harm behavior is a learned habitual response to overwhelming emotions, guilt over my own existence and needs, and feeling at a loss of control. And I use the term self-harm because while it is a generalized term for many different behaviors, it catches the essence of the actions. Plus, cutting hasn’t been my only form of self-harm. Binding of my wrists until circulation was cut off predated cutting and restricting the amount of food I ate predated binding when I was younger. With years of self-harm drilled into my mind and body, a part of me still sees self-harm behavior as the “correct” or best response to overwhelming situations. And unfortunately, habits aren’t broken overnight. It takes patience, consistent effort, support, other options, and a lot of self-work to even get close to seriously begin to change the way you’ve taught your mind and body to respond. It’s not impossible, but it is exceedingly difficult to rewire your mind and body.

Hence, I’ll take any help I can get to help deter me from my self-harm tendencies no matter how far-fetched or insignificant they might seem, every little bit of help empowers and prepares me for my battle with self-harm.

Corroded question

The psychiatrist who sits across from me take a me in as if I were a shot of tequila that scorches her throat on the way down and not a person in need of psychological guidance.
“Why is it important for YOU to live?”
My gaze glazes over as I mull over her question, but something tells me I’ve already failed somehow. Minutes that seem like hours drag on by. A “normal”, “stable” and/or “sane” person would have responded by now. A normal person would know, I tell myself. So by deduction, I am other.
But there’s something unfair about the question itself as if it were built to make some falter. It assumes there is some kind of good brought on by my existence when that is not the case. The universe lives in regardless of my relevance. I matter not in the grand scheme of things. Yet I’m positive I’ve overthought the whole scenario and maybe should have said something quick and simple to appease the clinician. But the truth is I have no answer to the question. I only find that more questions blossom from that one stump of corroded soil.

Poem from Lucero

At the eve of 175 days since I tried to take my life, Lucero has written me a poem that made me cry and gave me hope and strength to continue to fight for myself. I love her more than we both understand or care to define.

Mommy dearest, listen to me please.

I may be a small, black, baby cat,

But I have a lot to say.

I want to say thank you mommy.

Thank you for giving me a home,

Thank you for feeding me, cleaning me, playing with me, and loving me.

But most of all mommy, thank you for fighting to live for me.

I know you’re full of more pain than you show me,

But yet here you are.

Waking up every morning,

Feeding us both each day,

Going to school and work each day,

And coming home safe and intact every day for me.

It means the world to me mommy that you are there for me.

Every moment you leave my side, I fear you might never come back.

But each and every day, you bring me love and hope.

One day mommy, this fight will get easier mommy.

I promise, one day, we won’t have to fight anymore

Because one day, you might understand and see that you are worthy and deserving of love.

Real Talk on Suicide

I know a lot of people might expect a certain kind of response on the topic of Suicide from me as a mental illness blogger, but I’m going to be very real, as I always try to do. Let’s see how this goes…
**** Trigger warning: I will be talking about Suicide, so be weary when reading this. If you are reading this and you’re feeling suicidal and might need help, STOP what you’re doing and do what you need to get help (call a hotline, call a friend, go to the ER, binge watch some TV with a friend, eat ice cream, etc. whatever it is that will help do that. GET HELP NOW!!!)
Please call the US National Hotline for Suicide Prevention: 1-800-273-TALK (8255), and after the call, you will be routed to your nearest crisis center to receive immediate counseling and local mental health referrals. Or try this link to a more comprehensive list of resources (not only US)
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_suicide_crisis_lines************

First and foremost, suicide is not selfish. I know there is a lot of rhetoric saying otherwise, but suicide is more complicated than that. Suicide is the long awaited baby and pinnacle of an overwhelming sense of despair, hopelessness, self-hate, solitude, excruciating pain, feeling like a burden, and having no safe place to run from these thoughts. With that said, the state of mind we might be in when we’re contemplating committing suicide can be very extreme and demanding drastic measures be taken. And often, times we are just so desperate and tired of being alone in this fight  that seems to bear no fruit. We begin to reason with ourselves even though we are not at all in a state of mind balanced enough to reason.

“You become convinced suicide is a solution. The universe would have that much less to worry about and less pain generated, if you were gone. Everyone goes through tough things, but you surmise that you are just not “strong” enough to get through this. The world isn’t the problem you are. Others might not realize it yet, but if you were just gone, maybe everyone would be better off in more ways than they can imagine. It would cause them a lot of short lived pain right not, then they’d be free of having to live with you. You owe them that much, so why not just end this all for you and for them. “ But none of this is true. You are every bit worthy of living and thriving in this world.  You may not be able to realize it now, but your existence alone is a blessing to the world. And there is help out there for you, granted it might not be as clean cut nor as quick as you’d like, but you can survive this. You deserve the chance to get to live with less cluttered harmful thoughts. You, my love, are not alone in this. 

However, my example above, is not the single manner which thoughts may run rampant when we are suicidal. Suicidal thoughts and the manners they manifest themselves can be different all across the board, but they all are unreasonable and cluttered. So, taking action while having these thoughts is not selfish because our reason isn’t entirely control. Because selfish implies that we could reasonably weigh the pros and cons of our actions in order to choose wisely. When we’re suicidal, we have this black and white filter over our thoughts that doesn’t let us think clearly. Therefore, rather than pass judgment on our thoughts and make us feel even worse for having such negative thoughts that we can’t think straight, send us love so that we can know that we deserve better. Treat these suicidal thoughts not as thoughts reflective of a person but as thoughts clouded by their circumstance.  Above all, help us help ourselves by supporting someone who can only see a dark road ahead.

My love goes out to all those who have been affected by suicidal thoughts whether you are being plagued now by these though, have been through this before/still living with this as many are myself included, you have lost someone to the deceiving thoughts, or if you have been touched by them in some other form. Suicidal thoughts can seem like the epitome of the loss of hope, but take this as a chance to make a new start. Maybe ask for help because you are NOT alone. 

Gathering some strength

I’ve never felt more bare and scared and suicidal then right now. But I need to just ride through it until tomorrow when I have to tell my psychiatrist the truth I hid for so long. A truth I thought I would die with. A truth I denied for too long. Hera give me strength!