The dynamics of reaching out from two counter views

*photo credit to: lovehatelive.wordpress.com

For those of us who have been on the unraveling aspect of the relationship, the side that seems to be prone to falling apart and being unable to reach out to loved ones even when that’s desperately what you want, reaching out almost never seems like the right choice. And here are a number of reasons why, first off, you don’t want to bother anyone. You will go way out of your way to occupy yourself with countless activities you enjoy, perform your own last minute self-care strategies to keep yourself from hurting yourself, and even put on a façade of happiness, perfection, and control to divert people from taking a little too close a look.

You tell yourself you don’t want to complicate anyone else’s lives, don’t want to be a burden that takes the spotlight too often, feel weak for needing others, and don’t want to accept that this might be out of your hand. But at some point, this might grow too large for you to handle on your own, and then what? If you’ve driven everyone away from you by using your elaborate methods, then you might find that one day you will be utterly alone. And then what? We need to recognize that at some point our stubborn need to be independent, self-sustaining, and “strong” might blind us from the benefits of reaching out and receiving the love and support of others.

For those of us who are the supporting friends, lovers, mentors, and family, you probably feel so frustrated and powerless in the situation. You desperately want to help, make things better, and shoo away your loved one’s demons, and that’s noble and wonderful to want to do that. But it’s not your job, and it’s not how this works. In fact, your tendency to jump on board and “fix” everything might do more harm than good. They do not need your “fixing” or coddling. They need no saving because they are capable of fighting their own demons. They might need help, but that is for them to decide and ask for and not for you to decide. You have to understand that as frustrating as it might seem your loved one has to want to receive your love. They have to crack a bit of their protective shield (even just a little at first), and you need to know when and when not to crawl through that crack.

Once you crack a bit of that shield, love them and do not judge them/us. You do not and cannot fully understand which sucks for both parties involved, and you have to accept that you cannot know what it feels like. Even if you both have similar or related symptoms, diseases, etc. there simply is no way for you to definitively know how their struggle feels like. So don’t pretend or try to understand, offer your support, your ears, and your heart to hear them out, acknowledge their struggles, and love them more for sharing that part of them with you. Center that conversation on them and only change the topic if they ask to divert attention elsewhere, but ALWAYS remember this is huge and do not take it lightly. If someone confides how they’re struggling or not totally okay right now, they trust you enough to love them and need you so much that they overrode their usual response. You are freaking important and special to this person, so don’t fuck it up! Do not patronize them, minimize their struggles, “advise” them on how to feel better, and whatever you do, do not run unless you know they have someone to replace your absence.

As for those of you who know something is going on and have not been approached to talk to, be patient and do not pressure. Bear in mind what you think you know and try harder to be there for that person not by making it clear you think they’re struggling (because you could be wrong and then that’d make them feel horrible!) but by spending more time with them, telling them funny stories about your life, and doing things that remind and affirm them of your love and support of them. Do not try to provoke or expect them to come crying to you unless there is that assured supportive foundation set up beforehand and mutual trust. Perhaps your relationship is simply not that close yet or this person feels they might disappoint you in some way. But regardless, if you want this person to understand that they can come to you and you want them to see you as a support person, work on your relationship and in time it might get there. Do not take offense if it takes time or never gets to this point, again, it likely is not exactly personal but rather it most likely is exceedingly difficult for your loved one to reach out. And that won’t change until that person decides to break that shield. Be prepared and ready to love them and support them whole-heartedly for always and forever because you never know if and when we might need to reach out.

Hope you enjoyed reading and hopefully are either working on reaching out more (like I am) or working on reaching out more compassionately and genuinely,

❤ life as an agoraphobe

 

Accommodations for mental illness(es) in the work place

Lately, I’ve come to the realization that I’ve been going out of my way to make my job work and am not always looking out for my best interest. In many ways, I’ve settled with sticking it safe and staying in the same company and ignored the many struggles and problems with my job. Therefore, following my impulsive self assertive ways, I gave my two weeks notice and am in the process of looking for a new job. Regardless now, I asked myself a question, “am I being my best advocate or are there accommodations and steps of self-assertion that I should be taking?”So with the help of my psychologist, I endeavored into research into ADA accommodations to see what rights people with mental illnesses have in the work place. I’ve stumbled upon a few good finds and am still piecing things together. Now, I’m sharing a few of the links that I found helpful in the hopes that others might find it useful.

http://askjan.org/media/Psychiatric.html

http://www.adaa.org/managing-stress-anxiety-in-workplace/anxiety-disorders-in-workplace

https://www.eeoc.gov/eeoc/publications/ada_mental_health_provider.cfm

http://www.healthcentral.com/anxiety/support-283147-5.html

 

Toodles my lovelies!!!!

<3lifeasanagoraphobe

 

 

 

1st installation of The story of my body

Dear Future Lovers,/My declaration of my “dating Bill of Rights for the mentally ill”

There are many things I could start and maybe should disclose, but there’s also a lot I want you to know nothing about. There’s a lot of me that I’d like to chain and lock away the key to. And I have the right to disclose and not disclose as I see fit. Not out of shame per say, but because I don’t want to see that change in the way you view me. I don’t want to be seen as something to take care of, as something damaged and fragile, as someone indecisive and insecure. There are also a lot I cannot always shield you from that you will undoubtedly come to see as common place (IE, emotional breakdowns, self harm, emotional distance, depression, panic attacks, flashbacks, my codependent relationship with my cat, and me popping needed prescribed pills). So, tread lightly and be prepared to respect and establish boundaries and understandings of your own. While I’m asserting my needs right now, this is a two-way street, and your concerns, needs, and feelings are also important.

As for me, my “baggage” is exactly that—MINE. Meaning, this is my cross to bear, my inner workings to understand, and I need not your help or pity to get me through it. I can, and I will work through this. I will be “okay” one day, but I’m not asking you to make me okay nor am I asking you to wait until I’m “okay”. The truth of the matter is that if you wait and wait for that, I won’t want to be with you because a person who is hoping and praying for something other than what and where I am right now is wasting their time. My working on being “okay” will a life long struggle. I won’t ever stop being a work in progress! Yes, of course perhaps later in a few months, a few years, a few eons, I will no longer need medication or need as regular therapy because I will have gained and solidified my coping skills, but I’m never going to be 100% “okay”. I’m likely always going to be teetering back and forth without ever telling anyone about it because not being “okay” is also okay with me. Not being at 100% sometimes is exactly what I need. Struggling with my “baggage” and working through “it” is and will continue to be a large portion of my life. My “recovery” has no deadline. Therefore, understand, that I am as I am and offer nothing more nor nothing less.

If you can actually jell with all that, I’m asking you to butt out, and let me be me. Let me do what I need to do for me, and maybe we can catch some boba some other time. Don’t try to absorb me into your loving embrace and “make all my demons go away”. That’s not how this works. I don’t need a hand to hold and a mind to remind me of my sanity; I need someone who can remind me that I am more than my troubles. I need someone who sees more than just my story and can suit whatever my current likings are on that given mindset, time, and environment.

The story of my body may be wrecked with poison, thorns, and hate, but I am not. I am and am not my body. So, trust me when I ask you to separate the two in order to view me in the here and now before you, not as some “broken”, “injured beyond repair”, “inspirational”, “surreal”, “awe inspiring”, and “complicated” story, but as a quirky, impulsive, creative, curious, and optimistic individual. Hold my gaze for just one minute and tell me you see more than where and what my body has been through, then maybe you’re ready to be a part of my life or maybe you’re just stubborn and reckless.

                                Consistently questioning your judgment,

Yours truly.

 

On the exhaustion of breaking stigmas, the tired agoraphobe

Imagine that you had a magical invisible burning little critter was lodged onto your brain that caused you to question and discredited every thought or conviction you had. Now imagine that this was lodged into you by an alien one day while you were unconscious. And now try explaining that to someone without being ridiculed or disregarded. Pretty tough right? Well believe it or not, talking about mental illnesses can be exactly like that only it’s not something someone did to you it’s just how your brain is wired. In that case then people think it’s a choice or attention thing when it’s not. The point being that unfortunately most of our society isn’t informed about these things and don’t know how to help. Plus, It can be really tiring having to explain and explain and explain more, but essentially if we want some support, we usually need to communicate our situation, our needs, and how to help/support us.

It can be exhausting having to explain,explain,& explain yourself, but unfortunately that’s what our society needs us to do since it lacks the social infrastructure, vocabulary, familiarity, and willingness to provide multi-faceted care and support. It forces us to communicate our situation, our needs, and how to help/support us, which can be a double edged sword. While on the one hand, we’re in the forefront of our own treatment, but on the other hand, our illness and our course of treatment fall in the danger of becoming who we are not what we have/what we face. As a mental health blogger, I hold it as my obligation to report my struggle and successes to my followers, but it only takes one misunderstanding or taking text out of context or one negative comment to tumble all that. And when we tie our illnesses and pathway to adaption, we tie our identity (sense of being) and our emotional stability to this. So, while being your own advocate can be awesome and seems to be one of the only ways in which we might be able to change our society’s approach and preconceptions of mental illness, it is not an easy job. It can be down right exhausting, but it also has many forms. I’ve chosen to do so on an advocacy lane through the social media arena, but there are many effective and meaningful ways you can make some dents into the mental stigmas our society has.

On that note, here are some tips I have on the topic-some ground steps to take to start challenging our own contributions/problematicness to mental stigmas and to start being our own advocates.

1) Define what you want others to know about you and your illness and how much you’re comfortable sharing. I know I’m a big advocater of over sharing, but there is no right way to do this. Share as much or as little as you’re comfortable doing so, you only know what’s right for you.

2)Establish a firm support network whether that’s one person or several doesn’t matter just have reliable and self affirming support. Avoid having numerous support members whose varying opinions and contradictory advice giving may confuse you. Really be picky about who is considered support and remember “Quality over quantity”.

3) Try figuring out what you want and how you’d like others to help you( in your head first and eventually communicate as explained on later steps)

4)Figure out what you don’t want or need. This is vital and you need to be able to flesh this out. Avoid over rationalizing or explaining why- you don’t need this. You don’t need to explain yourself to anyone if you don’t want to. Respect yourself. If the support is right, then they’ll understand and/or respect your limits.

5)Set boundaries- make them known and respect them yourself. Don’t let yourself talk your way out of having them. It’s okay to not be okay with things. Your happiness and self worth are valuable and doesn’t have to be compromised or disregarded. You’re human you have wants, needs, and boundaries.

6) Narrow down your needs from your list of things you need and don’t need to the first three you want to work on first. Don’t fret about picking ones and not others because the idea is that we’ll address all these needs just some before others.

7) Start the hard work: the explaining.
This part can look very different for each person there is no right way to communicate as long as you get your point across and your needs/limits respected. I’d love to give a secret recipe for success, but I’m still really struggling with communicating with my support network. I have got as far as recognizing some of my needs, but I have yet to past communicating and respecting my boundaries. I will write another post specifically focused on this at a later time, but for now, do not fret if you’re stuck in this step too.

Doing the above steps (all or any of them) is HUGE!!!! And you can’t minimize that! You my friend are a ROCKSTAR if you’ve even read this! Keep fighting the good fight and working to readapt to your new lives.
Love and support,
-lifeasanagoraphobe

Remember you are the one who can to self advocate for yourself to your support network because they will likely not know how to help/support you (unfortunately they aren’t mind readers). I know it’s very tiring and just plain annoying, but I hope this work now will pay off later so we and others later won’t always have to explain everything. Please feel free to teach out to me via this website or private message. I may not have answers or magic potions, but I can and want to support you (and others struggling with mental illnesses)