Today or I suppose yesterday I did something very deliberate that many might see as foolish, reckless, and irresponsible, but I stand by actions. I got a tattoo on my forearms (technically two tattoos connected as one) to help me during my long-winded battle with self-harm. I recognize it is not a solution or cure that will make my urges to self-harm go away, but I hope it works as a deterrent and helps remind me to self-love.
First off, the tattoo itself reads: “Be patient. Be kind.” on the left arm and “There is no deadline” on the right arm to honor my personal mantra of self-love and self-acceptance. I am an imperfect, selfish, and reckless being. I have my many flaws and struggles, and I also have my strengths and boundless potential. Therefore, the best thing I can do for myself is to learn to be patient and kind to myself and not break myself down or allow others too. I need to remember to treat myself with love and encouragement as I would Lucero or Delia, my niece. I am a consistent work in progress that will never be done and never be perfect or totally recovered, and that’s okay. There’s no rush, no deadline to speed towards, no lines to cross or milestones to pass in this journey of life. I have no road map. It’s just me, and that’s beautiful, terrifying, and empowering. I chose to believe and act in the now while also recognizing that in ways my mind and my body are still processing things from the past, and that’s okay too. So, the tattoo itself has a lot of meaning for me (not saying that all tattoos have to have meaning people can do whatever they’d like). Note that punctuation-wise I chose not to use a period at the end of deadline to further the message.
Second off, it wasn’t impulsive but rather thought out and planned at least a few weeks. I had the impulsive inspiration to do it once after cutting because I recognized how worn out and tired yet beautiful the arm looked. It reminded me of a wilting flower that isn’t quite ready to die so it leans towards the sunlight. In the same manner, I felt guilty for mistreating my body once more and not allowing its true beauty to shine through on its own. Somehow I conjoined the idea of tattoos especially written words as a form of self empowerment. As a writer, written word is my form of processing and understanding myself, the world, and those around me. Once I have something written down, I feel, process, analyze, act, and reprocess. Beaming with the idea, I set out to imagine what was needed to make it a reality:an idea, a tattoo artist, conviction, and time for my scars to heal some more. Every time I wanted to self-harm which were a handful of times, I reminded myself that I was on a mission and that self-harm no matter how alluring was not an option. Almost 5 weeks later, here I am tatted up.
Third off, self-harm is serious and extremely difficult to go up against! I can’t tell you how often my mental health professionals, loved ones, and even me brush off my self-harm behavior. In some part of my subconscious, I know that this is not okay and “wrong”, but it’s not a simple question of will power or even medication (my meds help with suicidal ideation, depression, and panic attacks, but it does jack for my self-harm urges). My self-harm behavior is a learned habitual response to overwhelming emotions, guilt over my own existence and needs, and feeling at a loss of control. And I use the term self-harm because while it is a generalized term for many different behaviors, it catches the essence of the actions. Plus, cutting hasn’t been my only form of self-harm. Binding of my wrists until circulation was cut off predated cutting and restricting the amount of food I ate predated binding when I was younger. With years of self-harm drilled into my mind and body, a part of me still sees self-harm behavior as the “correct” or best response to overwhelming situations. And unfortunately, habits aren’t broken overnight. It takes patience, consistent effort, support, other options, and a lot of self-work to even get close to seriously begin to change the way you’ve taught your mind and body to respond. It’s not impossible, but it is exceedingly difficult to rewire your mind and body.
Hence, I’ll take any help I can get to help deter me from my self-harm tendencies no matter how far-fetched or insignificant they might seem, every little bit of help empowers and prepares me for my battle with self-harm.
life as an agoraphobe 