For what it’s worth

I try very hard to bring positivity into my life.

I wrap it around me to keep the demons away.

My happiness and positivity are not easy or natural

But still I try.

And I rise

Above my pain, my anger, my disappointment, my disillusionment, and my fear.

But still they come.

Still they find me.

And there’s no real escape from them.

Every time I run, You somehow find me.

You‘ve been in me and still remain lodged up there somewhere.

You are the nightmare I cannot stop reliving.

You are the darkness I desperately try to burn away.

You are my deepest darkest fear. My boogieman.

You are my Hell.

But I refuse to despair.

And I refuse to boil up with anger.

I cannot change history or change you,

but I can change how I deal with what you’ve done and deal with me.

I can focus on me and love me.

I can and will heal from this,

and I hope that one day you might realize the damage and pain you’ve inflicted.

One day, I pray that you do change and heal too.

❤ life as an agoraphobe

Artwork from Linda Lucia Santana & Linda Coghetto

For those interested this is a piece that is in conversation with a previous piece: Tremble but do not crumble, Dear the night that scarred me, and  Las palabras silenciosas para mi angelitx caídx

 

Las palabras silenciosas para mi angelitx caídx

Mi angelitx caídx,
Veniste a la casa cambiadx.
No sonrías ni comías ni dormías como deberías
Pero no sabia como alcanzarte.
Amarte nunca fue fácil.
No tenia la lengua ni el valor para enfrentar la verdad.
Pensé que podrás luchar contra todo,
Tu pasión y fortaleza era única
Nunca necesitabas nada ni nadie
Creciste tan independiente con un mundo mágico en tu mente que te nos quito
Siempre estabas millones de millas lejos de mí
en espíritu y físicamente
Así es como podres te crecer con tanto amor y alegría.
Así es como creciste a ser Tani nuestrx angelitx y guerrerx valiente.
Nunca se nos occurio que a lo mejor eras todavía niñx
O eso pensamos hasta ese día que casi te perdemos

Pero disculpame por no poder protegerte del mundo.
Perdoname por nunca enseñarte que cruel el mundo puede ser
Perdoname por no preparate para el dolor y la traición.
Disculpame por ser tan optimista
Pero más que nada ayúdame en restaurarte.

Demuestrame que no te falle en algo
Grita, Pelea, y crece como yo sé que puedas.
Sacúdete y preparate para volar otra vez más.
Tu eres nuestro todo.
Eres nuestro sueño hecho realidad,
Nuestrx pedacitx del cielo,
Y nuestra esperanza.

Nuestra historia y la tuyx siempre continué en ti.
Nada ni nadie podrá pararte porque eres más de la suma de tus experiencias.
Así como te creciste del suelo, vas a crecer de esto mi angelitx.
Vuela y mejora el mundo poco a poco.

❤ life as an agoraphobe

Artwork from Linda Coghetto

 

Tremble but do not crumble

As I sit in this desk,

a part of me trembles…

Yes, trembles.

At the distant memory

of a scary dim lit moment

one of the worst days of my life.

Even with a few competing dark memories in the tapestry that is my disoriented and puzzled mind and psyche, this one win first place by a long shot.

Not quite memory, not quite clear,
more so a nightmare only very very real
——I only partially and fragmentally recall.

But it’s there, and it will continue to shake me at my core
until I learn.
To ease back into my body
and let the damage done heal.
And, while I have no clue how to do so or how to get to that point,
I’m hopeful and willing to get there somehow sometime in the future.

I may tremble with fear and anxiety as traces of you remain, but I shall not crumble.
Not for you. Not ever.

The dynamics of reaching out from two counter views

*photo credit to: lovehatelive.wordpress.com

For those of us who have been on the unraveling aspect of the relationship, the side that seems to be prone to falling apart and being unable to reach out to loved ones even when that’s desperately what you want, reaching out almost never seems like the right choice. And here are a number of reasons why, first off, you don’t want to bother anyone. You will go way out of your way to occupy yourself with countless activities you enjoy, perform your own last minute self-care strategies to keep yourself from hurting yourself, and even put on a façade of happiness, perfection, and control to divert people from taking a little too close a look.

You tell yourself you don’t want to complicate anyone else’s lives, don’t want to be a burden that takes the spotlight too often, feel weak for needing others, and don’t want to accept that this might be out of your hand. But at some point, this might grow too large for you to handle on your own, and then what? If you’ve driven everyone away from you by using your elaborate methods, then you might find that one day you will be utterly alone. And then what? We need to recognize that at some point our stubborn need to be independent, self-sustaining, and “strong” might blind us from the benefits of reaching out and receiving the love and support of others.

For those of us who are the supporting friends, lovers, mentors, and family, you probably feel so frustrated and powerless in the situation. You desperately want to help, make things better, and shoo away your loved one’s demons, and that’s noble and wonderful to want to do that. But it’s not your job, and it’s not how this works. In fact, your tendency to jump on board and “fix” everything might do more harm than good. They do not need your “fixing” or coddling. They need no saving because they are capable of fighting their own demons. They might need help, but that is for them to decide and ask for and not for you to decide. You have to understand that as frustrating as it might seem your loved one has to want to receive your love. They have to crack a bit of their protective shield (even just a little at first), and you need to know when and when not to crawl through that crack.

Once you crack a bit of that shield, love them and do not judge them/us. You do not and cannot fully understand which sucks for both parties involved, and you have to accept that you cannot know what it feels like. Even if you both have similar or related symptoms, diseases, etc. there simply is no way for you to definitively know how their struggle feels like. So don’t pretend or try to understand, offer your support, your ears, and your heart to hear them out, acknowledge their struggles, and love them more for sharing that part of them with you. Center that conversation on them and only change the topic if they ask to divert attention elsewhere, but ALWAYS remember this is huge and do not take it lightly. If someone confides how they’re struggling or not totally okay right now, they trust you enough to love them and need you so much that they overrode their usual response. You are freaking important and special to this person, so don’t fuck it up! Do not patronize them, minimize their struggles, “advise” them on how to feel better, and whatever you do, do not run unless you know they have someone to replace your absence.

As for those of you who know something is going on and have not been approached to talk to, be patient and do not pressure. Bear in mind what you think you know and try harder to be there for that person not by making it clear you think they’re struggling (because you could be wrong and then that’d make them feel horrible!) but by spending more time with them, telling them funny stories about your life, and doing things that remind and affirm them of your love and support of them. Do not try to provoke or expect them to come crying to you unless there is that assured supportive foundation set up beforehand and mutual trust. Perhaps your relationship is simply not that close yet or this person feels they might disappoint you in some way. But regardless, if you want this person to understand that they can come to you and you want them to see you as a support person, work on your relationship and in time it might get there. Do not take offense if it takes time or never gets to this point, again, it likely is not exactly personal but rather it most likely is exceedingly difficult for your loved one to reach out. And that won’t change until that person decides to break that shield. Be prepared and ready to love them and support them whole-heartedly for always and forever because you never know if and when we might need to reach out.

Hope you enjoyed reading and hopefully are either working on reaching out more (like I am) or working on reaching out more compassionately and genuinely,

❤ life as an agoraphobe

 

Short update as of 07/06

Hello world/my fellow readers/anyone who stumbles across this post,

I haven’t posted in some time, and, for the most part, it’s because I’ve been busy working, doing impulsive fun activities (skydiving happened and pictures will eventually be up I promise), dating (ugh the agony sometimes lol), enjoying turning my body into a lethal weapon (thank you krav maga!!!), and being lazy the other times. In short, life is good. I have almost no complaints aside from the usual frustrations and disappointments with problematic systems in place. However that doesn’t mean my symptoms subside. I am still an agoraphobe who fights their fear of the outside world on a daily basis, a PTSD patient who fears the next moment I might freeze and lose control over my life, and a depression patient who continues to have subtle but powerful suicidal ideation and urges to cut. It’s a struggle I live with, and might always have, and that’s okay. I am not broken. I am not meant to be fixed, and I can and will survive and enjoy whatever life I make for myself. I am me, and that’s enough.

Hope to have some more for y’all to read later this week,

❤ life as an agoraphobe

“Dear Fear”: a launch into exposure therapy

The last few months, I’ve managed to do quite a lot and push myself way past my comfort zones both in therapy, socially, in the workplace, in my personal life, and in my own mind. I’ve challenged my anxiety by putting myself in socially terrifying situations and navigating my way out of them while learning to combat the anxiety at the same time. I succesffuly managed a retail cashering job that forced me to socialize and actively engage with people on the daily, experimenting with makeup, performed my own original pieces in weekly open mics amongst other local artists, launched myself into the dating scene, lived with roommates on my own in the world, and I learned what it meant to be me socially (found myself so to speak), but while a lot of progress has been made, I still have much to do.

I’m still haunted physically by my PTSD, and as a result, I am controlled by my fear the same way my anxiety and panic attacks used to greatly limit me. However it’s not as easy a task to challenge my fear because it’s not fear itself that I need to challenge it’s specifally physical fear I need to challenge. My greatest fear is that when I return to school in the fall, I might fall into a situation that greatly scares me, and I might freeze and dissasociate once more as I do when physically frightened. At the moment when in a situation that reminds me of my trauma even ever so slightly physically, I freeze up and/or dissasociate similarly to what happened during my traumatic event regardless of however prepared for that situation I might have been.

Therefore my problem isn’t knowing how to protect myself because I was a champion karate fighter growing up, and I had taken self defense classes at my school targeted for these situations, but nonetheless when I needed it, I froze and couldn’t move. I don’t want to not be able to live my life fully always living in fear that I won’t be able to act. I want to know that I can help myself. With this as my ultimate goal to help me feel more prepared and ready for returning to school, I’m undergoing my own exposure therapy to help teach my body to act through physical fear and not freeze up. This exposure therapy will target many and ideally all my physical fears, but, to be quite frank, there is absolute no guarantee that this might even work. I could just be metamorphing into a dare devil, but, at this point, I’m pretty much willing to try about anything. So, don’t be surprised or startled if you begin to see pictures and posts about some of my adventures. I have sky diving, bunjee jumping, rock climbing, and many more physically terrifying activities on my to-do list this summer. Wish me luck!

❤ life as an agoraphobe

Writing without purpose…

Tus palabras se enteran en mi mente

Escarbando un agujero en mi corazón

Simplemente te extraño.

Porque

nunca más voy a oír tu vos cuando se queja de la vida

ni ver tu risa contagiosa y ni tus ojos misteriosos.

En verdad, nunca fuiste mía.

Simplemente eras una versión de mí y tal vez nunca te podre escapar.

Dear the night that scarred me,

Another installation of the story of my body project:

*trigger warnings: trauma, cutting, disassociation, language similar to victim blaming*

Dear the night that scarred me,

I was in my temporary bed that night, asleep and peacefully away from reality when you crawled into the bed next to me and tore my world as I knew it to pieces. We were friends, I remember thinking as I desperately tried to talk myself out of accepting what happened. I trusted you and let you into my world, told you some secrets I didn’t think would come back to bite me. I thought I knew and could call you a friend, but you taught me that sometimes I don’t know the half of it. Sometimes, I’m too trusting, and that’s my problem. You made me think and still think this was somehow my fault.

If only I hadn’t told you I was bi-sexual, if only I hadn’t let you into the bed that night, if only I hadn’t frozen still that night, maybe just maybe I’d be okay. Maybe I’d be able to sleep a good night’s sleep, maybe I’d be able to not take pills every day to drown out the intensity of my emotions, maybe I wouldn’t disassociate, maybe I’d be able to feel emotions again and connect with others without feeling distant and detached, maybe I wouldn’t want to tear out and cut up my own skin, maybe I wouldn’t live in fear and constant paranoia, or maybe just maybe you did this to me.

You broke me and shattered everything I thought I knew about people. You made me doubt and scrutinize every part of myself and retreat further into my mind away from your horrors. You made me weak and terrified where I used to be steadfast. And while I still can’t find myself able to not blame myself and direct my frustration at you, I can honestly say this is not “my fault”. Regardless if I lead you on, turned you on, or froze in the moment, I did not consent and did not ask for this. You wanted and went for it. You used me and abused me while I stood helplessly watching from up above. So, whatever you do wherever you are, I refute your reasoning, and I too shall overcome.

Maybe not now maybe not overnight, but one day, I will no longer be defined by you. One day, I will no longer constantly relive the horrors and stand by helplessly. I will survive. 

Accommodations for mental illness(es) in the work place

Lately, I’ve come to the realization that I’ve been going out of my way to make my job work and am not always looking out for my best interest. In many ways, I’ve settled with sticking it safe and staying in the same company and ignored the many struggles and problems with my job. Therefore, following my impulsive self assertive ways, I gave my two weeks notice and am in the process of looking for a new job. Regardless now, I asked myself a question, “am I being my best advocate or are there accommodations and steps of self-assertion that I should be taking?”So with the help of my psychologist, I endeavored into research into ADA accommodations to see what rights people with mental illnesses have in the work place. I’ve stumbled upon a few good finds and am still piecing things together. Now, I’m sharing a few of the links that I found helpful in the hopes that others might find it useful.

http://askjan.org/media/Psychiatric.html

http://www.adaa.org/managing-stress-anxiety-in-workplace/anxiety-disorders-in-workplace

https://www.eeoc.gov/eeoc/publications/ada_mental_health_provider.cfm

http://www.healthcentral.com/anxiety/support-283147-5.html

 

Toodles my lovelies!!!!

<3lifeasanagoraphobe

 

 

 

Every bit counts, my battle with self-harm

Today or I suppose yesterday I did something very deliberate that many might see as foolish, reckless, and irresponsible, but I stand by actions. I got a tattoo on my forearms (technically two tattoos connected as one) to help me during my long-winded battle with self-harm. I recognize it is not a solution or cure that will make my urges to self-harm go away, but I hope it works as a deterrent and helps remind me to self-love.

First off, the tattoo itself reads: “Be patient. Be kind.” on the left arm and “There is no deadline” on the right arm to honor my personal mantra of self-love and self-acceptance. I am an imperfect, selfish, and reckless being. I have my many flaws and struggles, and I also have my strengths and boundless potential. Therefore, the best thing I can do for myself is to learn to be patient and kind to myself and not break myself down or allow others too. I need to remember to treat myself with love and encouragement as I would Lucero or Delia, my niece. I am a consistent work in progress that will never be done and never be perfect or totally recovered, and that’s okay.  There’s no rush, no deadline to speed towards, no lines to cross or milestones to pass in this journey of life. I have no road map. It’s just me, and that’s beautiful, terrifying, and empowering. I chose to believe and act in the now while also recognizing that in ways my mind and my body are still processing things from the past, and that’s okay too. So, the tattoo itself has a lot of meaning for me (not saying that all tattoos have to have meaning people can do whatever they’d like). Note that punctuation-wise I chose not to use a period at the end of deadline to further the message.

Second off, it wasn’t impulsive but rather thought out and planned at least a few weeks. I had the impulsive inspiration to do it once after cutting because I recognized how worn out and tired yet beautiful the arm looked. It reminded me of a wilting flower that isn’t quite ready to die so it leans towards the sunlight. In the same manner, I felt guilty for mistreating my body once more and not allowing its true beauty to shine through on its own. Somehow I conjoined the idea of tattoos especially written words as a form of self empowerment. As a writer, written word is my form of processing and understanding myself, the world, and those around me. Once I have something written down, I feel, process, analyze, act, and reprocess. Beaming with the idea, I set out to imagine what was needed to make it a reality:an idea, a tattoo artist, conviction, and time for my scars to heal some more. Every time I wanted to self-harm which were a handful of times, I reminded myself that I was on a mission and that self-harm no matter how alluring was not an option. Almost 5 weeks later, here I am tatted up.

Third off, self-harm is serious and extremely difficult to go up against! I can’t tell you how often my mental health professionals, loved ones, and even me brush off my self-harm behavior. In some part of my subconscious, I know that this is not okay and “wrong”, but it’s not a simple question of will power or even medication (my meds help with suicidal ideation, depression, and panic attacks, but it does jack for my self-harm urges). My self-harm behavior is a learned habitual response to overwhelming emotions, guilt over my own existence and needs, and feeling at a loss of control. And I use the term self-harm because while it is a generalized term for many different behaviors, it catches the essence of the actions. Plus, cutting hasn’t been my only form of self-harm. Binding of my wrists until circulation was cut off predated cutting and restricting the amount of food I ate predated binding when I was younger. With years of self-harm drilled into my mind and body, a part of me still sees self-harm behavior as the “correct” or best response to overwhelming situations. And unfortunately, habits aren’t broken overnight. It takes patience, consistent effort, support, other options, and a lot of self-work to even get close to seriously begin to change the way you’ve taught your mind and body to respond. It’s not impossible, but it is exceedingly difficult to rewire your mind and body.

Hence, I’ll take any help I can get to help deter me from my self-harm tendencies no matter how far-fetched or insignificant they might seem, every little bit of help empowers and prepares me for my battle with self-harm.