*photo credit to: lovehatelive.wordpress.com
For those of us who have been on the unraveling aspect of the relationship, the side that seems to be prone to falling apart and being unable to reach out to loved ones even when that’s desperately what you want, reaching out almost never seems like the right choice. And here are a number of reasons why, first off, you don’t want to bother anyone. You will go way out of your way to occupy yourself with countless activities you enjoy, perform your own last minute self-care strategies to keep yourself from hurting yourself, and even put on a façade of happiness, perfection, and control to divert people from taking a little too close a look.
You tell yourself you don’t want to complicate anyone else’s lives, don’t want to be a burden that takes the spotlight too often, feel weak for needing others, and don’t want to accept that this might be out of your hand. But at some point, this might grow too large for you to handle on your own, and then what? If you’ve driven everyone away from you by using your elaborate methods, then you might find that one day you will be utterly alone. And then what? We need to recognize that at some point our stubborn need to be independent, self-sustaining, and “strong” might blind us from the benefits of reaching out and receiving the love and support of others.
For those of us who are the supporting friends, lovers, mentors, and family, you probably feel so frustrated and powerless in the situation. You desperately want to help, make things better, and shoo away your loved one’s demons, and that’s noble and wonderful to want to do that. But it’s not your job, and it’s not how this works. In fact, your tendency to jump on board and “fix” everything might do more harm than good. They do not need your “fixing” or coddling. They need no saving because they are capable of fighting their own demons. They might need help, but that is for them to decide and ask for and not for you to decide. You have to understand that as frustrating as it might seem your loved one has to want to receive your love. They have to crack a bit of their protective shield (even just a little at first), and you need to know when and when not to crawl through that crack.
Once you crack a bit of that shield, love them and do not judge them/us. You do not and cannot fully understand which sucks for both parties involved, and you have to accept that you cannot know what it feels like. Even if you both have similar or related symptoms, diseases, etc. there simply is no way for you to definitively know how their struggle feels like. So don’t pretend or try to understand, offer your support, your ears, and your heart to hear them out, acknowledge their struggles, and love them more for sharing that part of them with you. Center that conversation on them and only change the topic if they ask to divert attention elsewhere, but ALWAYS remember this is huge and do not take it lightly. If someone confides how they’re struggling or not totally okay right now, they trust you enough to love them and need you so much that they overrode their usual response. You are freaking important and special to this person, so don’t fuck it up! Do not patronize them, minimize their struggles, “advise” them on how to feel better, and whatever you do, do not run unless you know they have someone to replace your absence.
As for those of you who know something is going on and have not been approached to talk to, be patient and do not pressure. Bear in mind what you think you know and try harder to be there for that person not by making it clear you think they’re struggling (because you could be wrong and then that’d make them feel horrible!) but by spending more time with them, telling them funny stories about your life, and doing things that remind and affirm them of your love and support of them. Do not try to provoke or expect them to come crying to you unless there is that assured supportive foundation set up beforehand and mutual trust. Perhaps your relationship is simply not that close yet or this person feels they might disappoint you in some way. But regardless, if you want this person to understand that they can come to you and you want them to see you as a support person, work on your relationship and in time it might get there. Do not take offense if it takes time or never gets to this point, again, it likely is not exactly personal but rather it most likely is exceedingly difficult for your loved one to reach out. And that won’t change until that person decides to break that shield. Be prepared and ready to love them and support them whole-heartedly for always and forever because you never know if and when we might need to reach out.
Hope you enjoyed reading and hopefully are either working on reaching out more (like I am) or working on reaching out more compassionately and genuinely,
❤ life as an agoraphobe
life as an agoraphobe 